death, murder and suicide in helsinki, stockholm and kathmandu-I


03:07 Helsinki

I should probably run, as fast as I can, but what for? This feels good, extremely good. What is good? Do I really feel good? So, this is called ‘feeling good’? Aha! Now, I know.

She always said that I was a bitch. Fuck yeah! I am a bitch. Wait a sec, what is a bitch? What did she really meant when she said, ‘I was a bitch’? Does she mean, I look like a female dog in my appreance? Does she mean, I behave like a female dog? How does a female dog behave? Isn’t a female dog by nature allowed to behave like a female dog or like a bitch? What’s wrong in that?  What is the difference between me and a bitch? Did she initially think that I was a human, thus, superior than a bitch? What makes me or any human superior than a bitch? How should I have behaved? How should a human behave anyway? What happens when a bitch behave like a human? Do the dogs then call the bitch, ‘a human’? Will that be an insult or a praise to the bitch?  How do they communicate  among themselves,’woof woof’? How will I communicate to them? ‘woof woof’? Ha! What am I thinking? Even when speaking the same freaking language; she midunderstood me! It’s not only between I and her. Nobody understands anyone, or rather, nobody communicates openly and more often as required. Nobody has time to listen to other. All I just needed was her to stay there; say nothing, do nothing but listen. I would do the same for her. Man! We’re all a little hurt at times, we’re all little sad at times, we’re all little anxious at times, we’re all little afraid at times, we’re all little angry at times. I am, she is, you are and everybody is. Why don’t we just listen?

Are you listening to me? This is good and I should run. Or, hide?

02:07 Stockholm

She stares blankly at me. Even in the pitch dark, our eyes meet for the third time or maybe fourth time in a minute. I put my hand accross her head and run my fingers through her blonde curls. Jordon is fast asleep aside. Maybe, he is dreaming? Do cats even dream? Is it possible? She is not going to say anything to me for sure. She has been always like this. Quite. Silent. Mysterious. This is exactly what drew me closer to her. I, on the other hand, was more quite, more silent and mysterious than her. This is exactly what drew her closer to me. We were deafs and dumbs. We needed not to speak nor hear. For the world that is fascinated with noise and chaos, we were exceptions. She streched her left hand and placed gently on my chest. We closed our eyes. We were at peace, calm, in love.

Are you listening to me? This is good and I should run. Or, hide?

05:52 Kathmandu

Fuck! I forgot to turn off the alarm! I remember setting it off for the next morning. Or did I actually ended setting up the alram? Anyway, who wants to wake up at 6 that too on Saturday, the only free day that you get in a week?  Alas! it’s not going to be a good day, I thought. As I turned off the alarm; some old lady ranged ‘the ghanta bell’ at the Shiva temple nearby. Her repetitive chants of ‘Har Har Mahadev’ was so loud that I’m afraid, she might have woken up meditating Dalai Lama in Dharmalsala, India. Why do people even go to God? Why do they chant prayers? Has anyone reported some response from the statues? Who is God anyway? What is it?  Who created it? Why there are so many Gods? Oh God! Help me out!

I see someone peeking at the door. A small girl, probably 4 or 5, comes running to my bed. ‘Good morning dear!’. ‘Good Morning, Papa!’ she replies with a yawn and curls into the blanket. I kiss her forhead and she closes her eyes lazily with the smile on her lips. I feel elated. It’s definitly going to be a good day! A well earned Saturday with family.

Are you listening to me? This is good and I should run. Or, hide?


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