DEATH, MURDER AND SUICIDE IN HELSINKI, STOCKHOLM AND KATHMANDU-II

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22:31 Helsinki

‘You’re pathetic and selfish, I should’ve known! Ella did warned me. It’s all my fucking misfortune that I was so much in love with you. I feel stupid. I am stupid. It’s over and GOOD BYE!’

Sanna stromed out of the door and slammed the poor thing with all her might. This was the end of another short lived romance which I thought would see me off until I breathe my last. We both knew very well that the fact I dated her elder sister Ella before hopelessly falling for her, would (in one way or other) eventually fuck up our emotions and relationship. I  don’t mind her going away from me; like, I didn’t mind my father going away even before I could recognize his face; like, I didn’t mind my mother going away with another man immediately after; like. my brother going away to Canada when I was at his shelter while we were struggling in Kathmandu; like, I didn’t mind Roshni going away with a guy with Green-Card in US who earned more than all my life’s earnings in a month; like, I didn’t mind Ann-Sophie going away saying she was crazy and suicidal and thus unworthy of me. I don’t mind. I was actually in some strange way, even expecting Sanna to go away. Looking back, I think I should have opened my mouth more and complained more, with frequent boring ILoveYous in between. Man! I was running out of energy, even more so emotionally than physically. How can I manage a shitty full time job as a kitchen helper with full time studies in engineering and a Finnish girl. Ah! Here we go again! I hate the fact that even though I have lived in this country almost equal years I lived in Nepal; although I speak, eat, live, act Finnish, I am never the same inside. It hurts! I belong not here nor there. Sooner or later my Nepali roots, mentality and cheesy bollywood songs; fuck up all my romances. If only she could understand Hindi, it would be much better. I could have played her bolloywood songs/movies relating my emotions, maybe this could have solved all the miscommunication (undercommunication on my part and overcommunication on her part!). I should have run away, when I was happy! But, I can not be happy again. All is gone now and I am too tired. Too tired for all romances and series of loathing questions from Nepal. I have decided, this is it. From now onwards, I will live the normal life. I will do as my family, my relatives and society expect from me. I will please everyone. I will finish my degree, get a good job, work day and night, earn a lot of money, ask my relatives to find me a much younger girl in Nepal to marry, marry her, work day and night, bring her to Finland, have babies,  work day and night, visit Nepal once in 3 years, complain everything about Nepal,  work day and night, buy a land  and build a big house in Kathmandu which I will never need, work day and night, complain that my kids have forgotten their Nepalese roots, work day and night, complain everything about Nepal,  work day and night, die.

21:31 Stockholm

She looks ever so beautiful, even though she is home tired from work. I cook mostly for her but she doesn’t complain. Sometimes, I think that we were meant to be together; you know, like a perfect couple from a chapter of any classic romance book. Our cat also has imitated us; he is all too happy with everything, never complains anything! It was her, who turned my life inside-out, upside-down! She is the only one who sees me through and tells me exactly what she thinks about me, nothing less, nothing more; nothing fake, no prejuidices. She is the one who inspires me to be the better version of myself not like others who dump/dictate their ideas (on me) of who I should be and how I should live my life.

Though, I had a degree in engineering; she was the one who asked me to quit engineering, once for all. How dare she? After all it was my parents dream that their son had a good degree and job in engineering that too in the West, far far away from Nepal. How easily she saw, knew, told me that I was a candle buring from both ends (one end being others’ expectations while other end being my inability to do what I really wanted to do)! Forgive me Aaama, forgive me Buwa; I can not be the son who you always wanted me to be. I must confess that I have an engineering degree but I know nothing about it. I am 28 soon and I have exaclty 280  SEK in my bank account. I can not buy you a house in Kathmandu; not anytime soon. I do not have a job contract with big fat salary. I do not want to get married to a girl who is studying nursing and whom I have never met. I am sorry Aama, I am sorry Buwa, I can not be like that neighbor’s son. I do not yet have a PR, green card nor a foreign passport. All I have is a Swedish girl who understands me and a cat who prentends to understand me.

It’s good that I didn’t run. I don’t have to run now. I will now take charge of my life; do the things I want to and be happy. Isn’t it what you wanted Aama, for me to be happy? I am happy finally that I realized engineering is not for me. At this moment, I want to study flimmaking and screenwriting. If you ask me, will this then be my career choice finally?; I am equally happy to say that, I simply don’t know! Maybe tomorrow, I want to be a chef! I don’t care. I will live each moment on my own terms, as it comes, as I wish to live. I do not want to think what could had been done in the past or what will happen in future, all I am thinking is whether she would like greek salad or mushroom soup for tonight?

02:16 Kathmandu

This is it! I have decided, it will not continue any longer. I do not see any sense or purpose in anything except I am sure there is something (different) beyond this! I know I will never be able to justify what I am going to do to my parents, brother, wife or my daugther so I will not try! However, I shall write a note to each of them.

Dear  Parents, you spent all your life on my education and well-being, but why? I simply am tired of not living upto your expectations and I see no improvements in future either. I could have done better but sorry, I didn’t got that scholarship; sorry that I could not get that visa; sorry that I was average, normal boy. I am sorry that even I can not afford proper medicines with my salary. I suck, big time! I am sorry. I am ashamed of myself. Please forgive me and forget me. I was the black sheep. Let me go and I am sorry.

Dear Bhai, I know you are capable of doing amazing things. I can give you nothing but ask your favor: please take care of parents, bhauju and chhori. I could have been your best friend but I never tried. You were so different, magical and amazing than me, I always felt inferior to you. I am sorry, that I never told you this but I was and am jealous of you, always. Maybe, it could have been all well; if I had told you clearly how I felt about you. I know, you would understand me all well, but I never tried. I never had that courage. I was your elder ‘big’ brother, but inside I was small, very small. I admire you and I am sure you’ll do wonders. Maybe, if I am given chance again, I will try it differently then. Sorry bhai, good luck and thank you again for taking care of the family.

Dear Saru, I know. You hate me more now but you deserve better than this, better than me. I am sorry, that I could never love you. Believe me, I tried every single day; but how could I force something which was not there. I loved someone, long time ago and it was all. Ever since, my romance had been dead. I even laughed at couples including ourselves- I never understood why, how people fall in love and get married so easily. The concept of marriage still confuses me, till this very last day! Saru, I never said this but you are beautiful. Go, live your dreams and don’t settle until you find the love that you deserve. Hope, Sanu will be your strength.

Dear Sanu, you can be everything that I was not. Don’t let the society take charge of you. You are capable of anything and everything, you are infinite. Please be gentle and kind to others and more so to yourself. Be generous. Appreciate all that is Nature. See the beauty even in small things and moments. Take care of your mummy. She needs you. Love you and forgive me.

*T H E E N D*

 

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