déjà vu

Dear you,

I am not sure if I took the right train or right seat, exactly as I am not sure about my situation in this life, in this world, this country, back in the country where I was born, exactly as I am not sure what I am supposed to say to my family and do for my family, what to do as the eldest son, youngest son, elder brother and younger brother, and what about me? Do I even matter? I am not sure who are frinds, what are friends, how are friends, how to make one, fake one, break one or even get over the old ones who haunt me in my naps! Does it even matter? I simply don’t know and yet still I am complaining! Most of them certainly don’t need me, they told me this or didn’t tell me this! I don’t either need them, or do I? I, myself, haven’t told all of them that I love them, need them! How would I tell? How would they know? How would they tell? How would I know? Anyways, I was there sitting at a random window seat in a random train going somewhere, where exactly that I don’t know! There were other random people like me or they were not like me but they were there, or were they? What if someone is thinking exactly as I am thinking, that what the other might be thinking? It is equally possible that they might be conversing to oneself or no one, staring at nothing and going somewhere or nowhere. They might be living in past, regretting, sad, happy like their favourite song playing in loop in Spotify or they might be living in future, anxious, sad, happy like skipping the YouTube ads to watch the video that you want to watch, you have to watch. Can we unlisten our favourite song in loop in Spotify? Can we unwatch the videos that we want to, have to watch? Can we not uninstall Spotify and YouTube, for good?

Amidst all this chaos and order, there she or he was. Imagine the bluest blue that you can ever imagine, add more bluer blue to it, make it round, smaller like the iris in the eye. Exactly, she had those bluest of eyes imaginable. Blue always fascinates, calms and even scares me, the colour of the sky above and ocean below, the vastness, enormity, mysteries blue holds is thrilling, isn’t it? Even a feeling, emotion is attached to it! We feel blue, but we don’t ever feel red, orange, green or yellow or something else! I was again a star dust gliding through that blue of her downward facing eyes. Her nose was small, perfectly symmetrical nostrils except one had the round piercing, a silver ring hooked in. Her lips were all pink, no lipsticks no nothing just natural pink. I could see, she had no make-up. Nothing artificial, nothing powdery on her cheeks. Once a while the she moved her cheek muscles within the closed lips, and there were dimples on both her cheeks. How is it possible to have such a beautiful caramel face glazed slightly only slightly with honey and that too have dimples on booth of her cheeks. She could not be more beautiful! N O O N E C A N T O U C H H E R! What’s wrong with the other people in the train? Why don’t they already bow down, on their knees and pray her, do whatever she asks them to do. Then exactly, she gets off at a station without any notice, any fuss. I lay there just as I was before, maybe my mouth widened and gasping much more than before. The best thing or the worst is that, no one gives a damn about me, H E R, others or oneself! We these days care for nothing, no one but likes, comments and hearts on our best filtered out, well contrasted and neatly edited selfies and videos.

I wake up at a sudden braking at some other station. I again decide (or have been gazing all the time) to gaze outside the window of the train to notice the station’s name on the platform. It reminds me of something which I can’t exactly remember what exactly. The station’s name and the surrounding sounds so familiar but I have never been in this place before or I have been already there exactly seeing what I see now from this train, from this seat, exactly at this time, thinking exactly that I have never been in this place before or I have been already there exactly seeing what I see from this train, from this seat, exactly at this time, thinking exactly that I have never been in this place before or I have been already there exactly seeing what I see from this train, from this seat, exactly at this time, thinking exactly that I have never been in this place before or I have been already there exactly seeing what I see from this train, from this seat, exactly at this time, thinking exactly that I have never been in this place before or I have been already there exactly seeing what I see from this train, from this seat, exactly at this time, thinking exactly that I have never been in this place before or I have been already there exactly seeing what I see from this train, from this seat, exactly at this time, thinking exactly that I have never been in this place before or I have been already there exactly seeing what I see from this train, from this seat, exactly at this time, thinking exactly that I have never been in this place before or I have been already there exactly seeing what I see from this train, from this seat, exactly at this time, thinking exactly that I have never been in this place before or I have been already there exactly seeing what I see from this train, from this seat, exactly at this time, thinking exactly that I have never been in this place before or I have been already there exactly seeing what I see from this train, from this seat, exactly at this time…..

Photo: Viktor Forgacs